Woah. This is new.
I can't believe this season of my life is actually here. I've always had back and forth dreams about being a mom. I knew I wanted to become one, but never had a clear plan as to when that might happen. That sounds ridiculous, but as a Type-A kind of person, I have a plan for literally everything.
I don't feel old enough to be a mom. I don't feel experienced enough to be a mom. There are so many things that make this so foreign to me. My body, for one, feels nothing like it did before. My hips are wider, my tummy is so much softer, everything is a little rounder and fuller, and I feel like none of it belongs to me anymore. I was a vessel for 9 months, with a little life inside me, and all of the sudden that little life is depending on all of me to take care of her from the outside. Incredibly enough, the negative thoughts that I used to have about my body haven't shown up in a while. Every new curve is just that...new. I don't hate the squish like I thought I would. Do I want to gain my strength back? Absolutely. Do I have expectations to look exactly like I did before? Nope. And I'm surprised at myself. I think God is protecting my newfound mama-brain from self-sabotage for a little bit, and for that I'm super thankful.
I'm watching her across the room, rocking in her little swing, still in awe of how that tiny girl is surviving. My thoughts are a constant tornado of confidence, doubt, faith, and failure within a matter of seconds. Tears flood my eyes at super random moments, and it's not until after I start bawling that I realize where those emotions might be coming from. Talk about a lack of control. I don't handle chaos really well, and God is breaking me down in order for me to be built back up again. I need more patience, I need more grace, and unless I give up that control, those things will never grow in me the way they need to.
Most of my days right now are a cycle of feeding, eating, sleeping, changing, with the occasional shower thrown in there. I'm forced to slow down, and I'm actually loving it. I'm loving the freedom I have to feel things fully, because my brain has the space to do so. Maternity leave is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Every day is a new day to love more, breathe more, learn more. The night time brings anxiety, not knowing what kind of sleep schedule this little one will actually keep. But every morning brings new mercies for her, and more importantly for me. I'm just trying to grasp every moment as it comes, and create meaningful memories whenever I can, even if that means documenting the first of absolutely everything on Instagram and being super annoying about it.
I'm excited to get back to blogging for at least a little bit, sharing my thoughts and discoveries in this new journey of parenthood. I know nothing for certain, so everything I share is just a shot in the dark. But it's my experience, and I hope that as cathartic as it will be for me to share, it might be just a little bit helpful in another mama's journey. Whether you're a brand new mom, an aspiring mom-to-be, or reading these posts brings you back to your early motherhood days, I'm excited to share with a new community of friends who all share the glorious burden of caring for another person with your entire body and soul.
What a crazy new world this is.
Comments