Recently I have taken up the habit of writing out a stream of consciousness after my morning devo. It came out of the desire to explore my own emotions while dealing with postpartum thoughts and feelings that I couldn't explain. I write in an online journal, and each entry so far has come to be about 1,000 words, to which I was shocked to realize as I never really have considered myself a writer. I thought it might be fun to share some of them with you. Not always super personal, but quite literally the first thoughts I have in the morning. So here is an entry from this morning, August 8, 2020.
I woke up early this morning. I naturally woke up before I heard the baby, and turned on her camera to see that she was just waking up. I went into her room and fed her, and there was a little connection between the two of us. Normally in the 6am hour, my eyes are closed as I hold her and rock in that wooden rocking chair, but today, I was at peace with my eyes open. Something is a little different about today. She too had her eyes open. Normally towards the end of her feeding she closes her eyes and just uses me as a pacifier. This morning though, her eyes were open too. Totally relaxed, totally at peace, just eyes open. It was sweet, like we were both fully aware of the moment, but not thinking about anything except what was happening right then and there. We were comfortable, it was quiet, and we were together.
I walked outside the front door this morning and the neighborhood was quiet too. I can smell fall coming today. The light was a bit dimmer than it normally is at 6am. The thought of back to school filled my mind. I used to love going back to school. For some reason every time August comes around, I think back to elementary school. I loved getting new notebooks, and organizing my binders so that all of my homework had a place. I loved meeting my teachers, lining up outside of the classroom with some colorful backpack on, and a giant plastic pencil case filled with mostly markers and a few pencils. There is something so satisfying about a sharp pencil. The smell of it and the way that it writes on construction paper. How it makes the little dent when you write your name.
I think I love this time of year because it always marks a new beginning. For me, it's always been more in August than in January that starts a "new year". August brings new commitments, new groups of people to meet, new clothes, new possibilities. It starts in Kindergarten, when August brings around the first time that you spend a huge chunk of your day without your parents. Then that feeling continues for 12 years; August always bringing on a new grade, new responsibilities, new things to learn. After those 12 years, you get the choice to go to college, or deliberately choose to take a different path. The August after your senior year of high school is really the start of your true independence. It's up to you what you do. Now, for me August marks the start of regulated ministries, the start of the dance season... In August I plan a whole year of new opportunities, not for myself, but for other people.
I think the way that I start over for myself every year in August is I get back into a morning routine after the summer months are over. I start becoming attached to my devotional time in the mornings, because its cool outside and I love a warm cup of coffee while I read the Bible. I inevitably get up earlier because I love how quiet it all is knowing that the world is on a schedule again. Isn't that funny? The world is scheduled starting in fall. School, sports teams, holidays all show up on the calendar again. The novelty of the spontaneous summer is over, and everyone is ready to settle back into routine.
Even this year, with Covid and never actually knowing what the routine is going to look like, people are trying their best to find a rhythm because we've been without one for so long. The world had been so unpredictable since March, that it's dying to find some semblance of structure. Then again, the structure is so different, that it brings its own kind of chaos. This summer the world has been uprooted. Nothing is like it was before. Families are either broken apart, or they have clung to each other. Priorities have shifted, I believe for the better. Humanity is in a new place this August. I think this beginning will look different than any other. And as weird as it sounds, I think for a lot of people, this change will be good. Bringing everyone back to simplicity, where family is first, education is second, and everything else takes a backseat.
I know that's not how it will be for everyone. There are many who have lost loved ones throughout this last season of sickness and death. So their beginning is a saddened one. I can only hope that they becoming closer to Jesus because of it. That their sorrow brings them to find community that is filed with hope.
Lots of community is governed by the IDEA of hope, but not true hope. I hope people can see the difference.
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